Wee Mee (What About Me)

Sitting at my desk listening to the new Blue October album the other day, this one line hit me in the gut:

Oh my, you’re not anything I need in my life
No, you’re not anything I even want
Cuz they don’t know you like me

It hit me in the gut because, in a round about way, I had just been told that same thing not too long before. So I decided to post it on Facebook for some reason and as I sat there looking at those lyrics it suddenly hit me, this person, who just told me those very words, is not anything I need in MY life. What about ME?

The tactics I have used in the past to find that special someone were pretty much to cast a wide net and see what swims into it. My low self esteem kept me from learning, time and time again, that I am worth more than that. The few love relationships I have had in my life were all about me trying to change myself into something I was not so I could fit into their mold. Needless to say, it always fell apart in the end because, like a mass of squishy, growing clay I started protruding from the mold I was trying to stay in and ended up getting resentful for ever having to sit in that mold in the first place.

But this is not some other time in my life. I am older and wiser now and I know better than that.

What about me!?

So I started to think. I have had this pretty little picture of the life I want in my head. It mostly involves a house with a wrap around porch, a porch swing, lots of friends in the backyard grilling, kids running around playing, big tall trees and even a stairway up from the driveway leading to the house. The living room may be painted dark red. The kitchen will have a window out to the backyard so I could look over my dream and be so satisfied.

See anything missing here?

Yes. Where is HE? This guy I supposedly asked God for? Why doesn’t “he” fit into my picture?

Because I had given up ever even finding someone. The pain from my breakup with my son’s father had been such a horrible mess to bear that I had put it all away, locked it up tight. The friends I had were gone because I had messed everything up there. I had gotten to the point where I saw that my son was unhappy because we didn’t have any friends to be around. I promised him at the first of the year (for our resolutions) that I would put more effort into finding friends. Another thing I promised James that I sometimes forget about is that I told him I would find a special guy just for me, because not only does he want to have friends to play with, he also wants his mommy happy, too… and a brother or sister but, yeah, we’ll have to see about that one.

So I prayed. I said, God, please let me find some friends to be around and I opened my heart to the possibility of having friends again. Not too long after that, it happened that the Cub Scout meeting night was moved to Thursday and I had just about given up on that when I was asked to become the Committee Chair person. I had started going to the Patriot meetings on Thursday nights but I made the decision to drop that and focus on the Cub Scouts full time. Again, I had let my low self-esteem thwart my efforts of finding friends because I had just figured no one would want me to do anything important with the Cub Scouts, anyway, but how wrong was I? I started making more friends and opening up to people. I even started keeping my phone near me so I could hear txt messages because before I had just not cared either way as hardly no one texted me.

Things were rocking along. I never forgot about the other promise I made my son, I just figured I would postpone it a bit. Then, after having a conversation with my son who had not forgotten that promise, I decided to go ahead and pray.

Shortly thereafter I met someone I thought was pretty cool. It had been about 4  years since I even let anyone into my life at all and I was overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions that I hadn’t allowed myself to have in a long while. Even though things didn’t work out, at least the curse was broken, right?

Now I sit at the drawing board with a blank space to fill. To ask God for something you have to be specific.  Exactly who is this guy, this guy that’s somewhere out there? What kind of guy am I even looking for?

First, he has to accept me for who I am. Unconditionally. I know there will be times when we don’t see eye to eye, but as long as he is willing to accept me and all my quirks then we’re ok.  There is nothing like getting bombarded by a constant stream of criticism.

Then he has to be emotionally available! Hello! Ok, so I have only seriously dated like maybe 2 1/2 guys seriously in my adult life, 75% of them were completely unavailable in their hearts and minds!

Another thing, which is pretty obvious, he has to like children. Not only do I have one, I also am very involved with other kids now, too. He has to be good with my boy. I will never tolerate someone who isn’t good to my boy.

I just realized this the other day. I want someone who is on the road to making a better life! I mean, like a better planet! Someone who has dreams and aspirations in life other than just going around like a jelly fish in the waves at Port A. Someone who actually cares about the state of the world. Someone who realizes the dream of the planet, who knows that it’s our job to give back.

He has to love music. He has to be strong and steady. His life has to be at least most of the way in order. He has to realize it’s not about controlling other people.

He can’t take life too seriously, either! Someone with a good sense of humor is always a plus in my book.

And if he has a big, giant brain.. meaning very intelligent, that is even better. If he likes to go camping, a big plus! He likes to just hang out and relax sometimes, great! If he knows how to fix stuff, awesome! If he likes to debate ideas, super! Maybe he likes to read books like me.. maybe he has an open mind and likes to discuss things out of the ordinary scope and question stuff and wonder why, cool!

And he has to be an adult. There are so many men out there who live as children, no matter what age they may be. I am by no means perfect, but I have fought a long hard row to get to where I am. Even if I’m barely eeking by right now, even if my wheels sometimes wobble, I’m still progressing. I’m not stuck in some sedentary position. I want a grown up, a grown up guy who is willing to join together.. not expect to have another mother, someone who is ok with not being bossed around all the time. I mean, you would not believe that there are some guys who actually LIKE having someone there to tell them what and what not to do! I am NOT that person.

What I have learned in life is if you choose to spend your time with someone and then choose to walk the path together it’s about being a whole person before you start out. The together part, well, that’s just gravy.

So. God, if you’re listening (and I know, you’re even the words I type this plea with), this is my list.

Yes, this is sort of a declaration to the world that I do want someone to share my life with. I know that may make some guys uncomfortable because, for some reason, they seem to think if that’s the case I’m going to want them or something.. like the way I look at people. I assure you, I rarely EVER look at a guy like a piece of meat on purpose. The look that they take like that is more like, wow, I sure would like to be friends with this person.. but that’s for another post. For now I’ll just invest in some sunglasses or something…

I am not going to cast a wide net anymore. Rather, I will get some specific type of bait and throw my line out. There is nothing in life that does not happen for a reason and what will be, will be. Patience… because I know it’s on the horizon.

 

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Descent Into the Rabbit Hole

I have descended into the rabbit hole. In this world everything is not what it seems. Black is white. Up is down. Outside is in. My letters to the outside have, so far, been ignored. My fear is people are starting to think I’m insane. Rest easy, friends. My sanity is in check. Perhaps you take me out of context? Here is my chance to tell my side of the story.

It has been a series of events which has brought me here. Maybe I have just grown up or gained an awakening. What I do know is there are things going on in the world that I do not agree with. Yes, I do believe there are people out there purposefully manipulating the masses to gain profit. Do I think they’re aliens or lizzard people? Not really, though I’m always willing to listen with an open mind. After reading and studying historyI have come to the conclusion the “zeitgeist” has been hijacked.

What??? That’s so crazy!!!

Let me try to explain.

First of all, let me just say, for the record, I do not believe in violence. Guns scare the shit out of me, to be perfectly honest. Once I told my dad (who is a retired DPS Trooper) that if someone ever broke into the house I would just go get his gun and shoot them. He turned to me, very seriously, and said that I was not to do that, guns are not toys, don’t ever point a gun at anyone unless you intend to use it. This was his usual speech regarding his gun. See, we always knew where he kept it. It was  never a problem for us because he told us the truth about guns so we knew better.

Even though he carried a gun, I don’t think he liked it at all. My dad never went hunting or anything like that. To me, I think it was just a necessary evil. Do I think he would have used it if he had to? Yes, absolutely. Which would be my position on a gun. If someone were a serious threat to me or my family or anyone, really, I would use one in self defense. The very thought of guns scare me. They’re so powerful, so final. They kill. A gun is a weapon. I wish everyone on earth didn’t have a gun, but they do, and that’s the way it is. Like my dad, I too think they’re a necessary evil.

See, I have to say those things to protect myself from anything I may say. You may think that’s crazy too, but in this world we live in now, being a “”patriot” is akin to being a “terrorist”. My aim is not to overthrow something illegally or joining some weird, way out right field group or stage a coup. That’s so not me. My weapon is my words. My aim is to inform. I believe the only way to change things is to inform the people.

Which is why I have been blasting my facebook with things about the government and the Chinese and conspiracies and I think maybe people may think I’ve gone off my rocker. Taken out of context, sure maybe I have been screaming out to people but it’s because I want them to see what they are not seeing.

I live in this rabbit hole where everything is not what it seems. With this “growing up” process comes trying to figure out who you are and what you believe. I was trying to fit myself into a groove and figure out where I stand on things. Everyone tells me I’m a liberal, but they always say liberals are communists and they want to take over the government. Prety evil. I’m not evil. So what is so evil about being liberal? Isn’t liberal good???? Is liberty not good!? Not in this world.

In this world, liberal is now the new nazi, fascism, communism and socialism. Yeah, I had to go look all that up. I downloaded podcasts, courses on economics, politics and so on.

Conservative. That’s bad, right? That means you don’t like it when other people are outlandish or out of the norm. You want to make them be just like you. You think abortion is bad. You want it to be like it was in the 1950’s where the dad went to work, the mom stayed home and took care of the kids. Change=bad!

Wrong.

Now conservative means you believe in limited government. Well, isn’t that what the founding fathers did with the constitution? Wait, they wanted liberty, right? But I thought liberals were communists… and on and no and on and on.

After going round and round I finally figured out that grooves suck. A whole new vocabulary is being created to accomodate people like me, “Classical Liberals”. Whatevah! I can see where a girl like me could be so confused. There have been studies on human behavior done by the government and others regarding this. Think about it. What used to be the War Department is now the Department of Defense. It’s a play on words used to make things sound more friendly so people will accept them.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize things are messed up, right? Once you focus your attention on what is going on outside of the realm on television or entertainment it’s easy to see. It’s very hard to do, I know. The easy thing would be to stop paying attention again and go back to being absorbed by life on TV. Believe me, I was. Every single Thursday I would watch “Must See TV” and I do love Law and Order.

Maybe you could say September 11 changed my life. Perhaps. Or maybe my struggle with having to be hospitallized after being overprescribed zoloft then turn around and have to be hospitallized after a reaction to Abilify changed me. Then there is the whole NTTA debachle, the story in the Ft. Worth Star Telegram about it. I don’t know. But here I am.

I have never been one to take things at face value. I always question authority. I question God, for Christ’s sake (lol). I question, that’s me. When a doctor tells me I have something you better bet I’ll research it and then decide if they’re right. When I was younger and I saw JFK I thought it was  not beyond the realm of possibility that there could have been a conspiracy. I did not go along with Bush, jr’s “axis of evil” propoganda. I just didn’t get it. I still don’t get how people out there regard GWB as if he’s some God because he’s Republican.

I can not just blindly take something on faith. I must know for myself. I do not blindly follow a political party, a sports team or anything else. I have learned that humans are not all good or all bad. To err is human, right?

Then why, why!!???, do so many people fall in line?

Well, first of all, I can see for my own eyes that JFK’s head flew back not forward. That reason alone is enough for me to think there may be another shooter. I saw it with my own eyes. I’m not a scientist but I know if you hit something it will go the opposite way.

I have seen enough demolitions of buildings to know one when I see it. You can not tell me it’s beyond the realm of possibility that at the very least September 11 was allowed to happen. http://www.buildingwhat.com.

I know people who say the government could never be so evil, but what is the government? Is it a benevolent God? No. The whole lot of the government is made of humans, who are fallable. How many times in history have bad people gained power in government? So many you can assume that’s the normal progression of mankind. When Jesus was alive he was revolutionary in his thinking and he converted a lot of people to his way of thinking. He was a threat to the masters because he said you can not buy forgiveness of sins. He said NOT to go to temple and give them money and that was a direct threat to the power structure.

Open a book. It’s pretty textbook.

WWI. Germany in ruins. People starving. Man comes and promises change. People buy in. Slowly he tightens noose. Takes their guns. Closes communication and travel. Starts cleansing the population.. and then they woke up and found themselves living in Nazi Germany. You think we’re beyond that? You think America was bestowed upon the earth by God almighty and is beyond all that do ya?

This has happened countless times through all the ages of man and somehow we think America is immune.

Someone said the other day they didn’t think the founding fathers were relevant anymore.

If that is so then let’s just throw it all out and call it what it is. Let’s stop pretending we’re living in a free democracy where everyone has equal protection under the law because we all know it’s not true. What we live in now is called fascism. Whether or not there is a “ruling elite” class the one thing we all can agree on is corporations have a lot of pull in our government. If you look closely you can see they are intermixed now. The people obviously tell congress one thing and they do another with no regard to their constituents.

We vote one person in for president, another takes the office.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know, and I think we all sense, that something is amiss.

Then there is all the people who think Sarah Palin is qulified to be the president, what???

All of us are so sold on appearances. I am also guilty. I supported Obama too. What a sucker I am.

So, the easy thing for me to do is to put my head in the sand and give up. Then I can be taken care of by the new socialism, a.k.a. fascist nation. Isn’t that ok? I’ll get by. We’ll still be ok. Sure, we’ll get by.

I can’t do that. I want to make a difference.

“Let it not be said that we did nothing” Ron Paul.

I never thought I would say I agree with the “right wing” but if that is where the liberty is, that is where I’ll be.

I do believe in helping those who need it. I don’t believe in career wellfare. I do believe in equal opportunity. I think we should all have a fair shot. I’m not rascist. I do not want to deport all the illegals or whatever.

I just don’t want to go to jail for a crime I didn’t commit. I don’t want to have to prove myself innocent after being found guilty. I don’t want my habius corpus to be taken away… certainly I do  not want to rot in jail. I want everyone to get along and stop fighting each other and realize it’s all a game.

Gosh. I just wish I could open everyone’s eyes. I don’t believe anyone has a right to tell anyone else what to believe, what religion to be, where they can build their church or mosque, whether or not they can marry, serve in the military, say mean things to each other or any other constitution violating thing. And I do believe that maybe healthcare could be provided for those who need it, but I do not believe the government has a right to force people to buy it under the guise of free healthcare for all.

Anyway, that’s my story. So here’s my blog. I will rant and rave here and maybe I’ve explained myself and I can lay off the few lines of facebook. I think it can be pretty easy to become Chicken Little real quick and if I desire to effect change people have to at least be able to take me seriously.

 

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The simple reason I think Communism wouldn’t work….

In a communist society there would be no one in control and everyone would pull their own weight and contribute… like living on a commune, right? Sounds good. Thing is, if you appoint a group to make the decisions or say they know what’s best for the group as a whole with no insight from the other members, human nature will most likely say that said group would make all the decisions based on what’s best for them and  not the group as a whole. The idea would be a great idea. Is it realistic? Doubtful.

You know those Zeitgeist movie people and their perfect society at the end? It sounds good on paper.

I read the other day that when the pilgrims first established their colony at Plymouth they formed the commune type society. The problem was there were some people who did more than others. Some slackers didn’t want to work as hard and they didn’t pull their own weight. After they switched to a free market they had more incentive to produce for themselves and they were twice as productive as before.

It’s a pretty interesting book… something like things my history teacher never told me or something.

Anyway, food for thought.

Oh yeah, and I learned something too. When you let people take care of you and run your life you give away all your power. When you’re reliant on someone’s generosity you tend to do what they tell you to. That’s how they get ya. Say the government grants aid for education but to get this aid you have to perform a certain task. If you don’t, you don’t get the aid. So you do it. Then they want you to do something else or you think the program is not working and want to change and you ask them but they say, well, if you don’t do it our way we’re taking our money back! Problem is, you already committed all that money to building the new football stadium and bought the music department that 100,000 dollar grand piano so I guess you have to do what they tell you to do. Later on the feds decide they want you to change the cirriculum to something else and you don’t agree so you refuse. They take away funding and there goes your art department because you’ve spent all this time couting on that money. I guess you’re stuck. And on and on and on.

I know, probably something everyone already knows but I’m still learning. 🙂

 

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