Sitting at my desk listening to the new Blue October album the other day, this one line hit me in the gut:
Oh my, you’re not anything I need in my life
No, you’re not anything I even want
Cuz they don’t know you like me
It hit me in the gut because, in a round about way, I had just been told that same thing not too long before. So I decided to post it on Facebook for some reason and as I sat there looking at those lyrics it suddenly hit me, this person, who just told me those very words, is not anything I need in MY life. What about ME?
The tactics I have used in the past to find that special someone were pretty much to cast a wide net and see what swims into it. My low self esteem kept me from learning, time and time again, that I am worth more than that. The few love relationships I have had in my life were all about me trying to change myself into something I was not so I could fit into their mold. Needless to say, it always fell apart in the end because, like a mass of squishy, growing clay I started protruding from the mold I was trying to stay in and ended up getting resentful for ever having to sit in that mold in the first place.
But this is not some other time in my life. I am older and wiser now and I know better than that.
What about me!?
So I started to think. I have had this pretty little picture of the life I want in my head. It mostly involves a house with a wrap around porch, a porch swing, lots of friends in the backyard grilling, kids running around playing, big tall trees and even a stairway up from the driveway leading to the house. The living room may be painted dark red. The kitchen will have a window out to the backyard so I could look over my dream and be so satisfied.
See anything missing here?
Yes. Where is HE? This guy I supposedly asked God for? Why doesn’t “he” fit into my picture?
Because I had given up ever even finding someone. The pain from my breakup with my son’s father had been such a horrible mess to bear that I had put it all away, locked it up tight. The friends I had were gone because I had messed everything up there. I had gotten to the point where I saw that my son was unhappy because we didn’t have any friends to be around. I promised him at the first of the year (for our resolutions) that I would put more effort into finding friends. Another thing I promised James that I sometimes forget about is that I told him I would find a special guy just for me, because not only does he want to have friends to play with, he also wants his mommy happy, too… and a brother or sister but, yeah, we’ll have to see about that one.
So I prayed. I said, God, please let me find some friends to be around and I opened my heart to the possibility of having friends again. Not too long after that, it happened that the Cub Scout meeting night was moved to Thursday and I had just about given up on that when I was asked to become the Committee Chair person. I had started going to the Patriot meetings on Thursday nights but I made the decision to drop that and focus on the Cub Scouts full time. Again, I had let my low self-esteem thwart my efforts of finding friends because I had just figured no one would want me to do anything important with the Cub Scouts, anyway, but how wrong was I? I started making more friends and opening up to people. I even started keeping my phone near me so I could hear txt messages because before I had just not cared either way as hardly no one texted me.
Things were rocking along. I never forgot about the other promise I made my son, I just figured I would postpone it a bit. Then, after having a conversation with my son who had not forgotten that promise, I decided to go ahead and pray.
Shortly thereafter I met someone I thought was pretty cool. It had been about 4 years since I even let anyone into my life at all and I was overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions that I hadn’t allowed myself to have in a long while. Even though things didn’t work out, at least the curse was broken, right?
Now I sit at the drawing board with a blank space to fill. To ask God for something you have to be specific. Exactly who is this guy, this guy that’s somewhere out there? What kind of guy am I even looking for?
First, he has to accept me for who I am. Unconditionally. I know there will be times when we don’t see eye to eye, but as long as he is willing to accept me and all my quirks then we’re ok. There is nothing like getting bombarded by a constant stream of criticism.
Then he has to be emotionally available! Hello! Ok, so I have only seriously dated like maybe 2 1/2 guys seriously in my adult life, 75% of them were completely unavailable in their hearts and minds!
Another thing, which is pretty obvious, he has to like children. Not only do I have one, I also am very involved with other kids now, too. He has to be good with my boy. I will never tolerate someone who isn’t good to my boy.
I just realized this the other day. I want someone who is on the road to making a better life! I mean, like a better planet! Someone who has dreams and aspirations in life other than just going around like a jelly fish in the waves at Port A. Someone who actually cares about the state of the world. Someone who realizes the dream of the planet, who knows that it’s our job to give back.
He has to love music. He has to be strong and steady. His life has to be at least most of the way in order. He has to realize it’s not about controlling other people.
He can’t take life too seriously, either! Someone with a good sense of humor is always a plus in my book.
And if he has a big, giant brain.. meaning very intelligent, that is even better. If he likes to go camping, a big plus! He likes to just hang out and relax sometimes, great! If he knows how to fix stuff, awesome! If he likes to debate ideas, super! Maybe he likes to read books like me.. maybe he has an open mind and likes to discuss things out of the ordinary scope and question stuff and wonder why, cool!
And he has to be an adult. There are so many men out there who live as children, no matter what age they may be. I am by no means perfect, but I have fought a long hard row to get to where I am. Even if I’m barely eeking by right now, even if my wheels sometimes wobble, I’m still progressing. I’m not stuck in some sedentary position. I want a grown up, a grown up guy who is willing to join together.. not expect to have another mother, someone who is ok with not being bossed around all the time. I mean, you would not believe that there are some guys who actually LIKE having someone there to tell them what and what not to do! I am NOT that person.
What I have learned in life is if you choose to spend your time with someone and then choose to walk the path together it’s about being a whole person before you start out. The together part, well, that’s just gravy.
So. God, if you’re listening (and I know, you’re even the words I type this plea with), this is my list.
Yes, this is sort of a declaration to the world that I do want someone to share my life with. I know that may make some guys uncomfortable because, for some reason, they seem to think if that’s the case I’m going to want them or something.. like the way I look at people. I assure you, I rarely EVER look at a guy like a piece of meat on purpose. The look that they take like that is more like, wow, I sure would like to be friends with this person.. but that’s for another post. For now I’ll just invest in some sunglasses or something…
I am not going to cast a wide net anymore. Rather, I will get some specific type of bait and throw my line out. There is nothing in life that does not happen for a reason and what will be, will be. Patience… because I know it’s on the horizon.